The Magic of Not Knowing

Earlier this year I had a job I was convinced I was going to keep for a very long time.  Instead, I left it in just under two years.  I am one of those lucky people who have rarely had a job that I wasn’t passionate about.  So, leaving was not an easy choice and it only happened because I felt I was on the brink of loosing myself.

I had a lot of anger and I had tremendous sadness that what I wanted wasn’t working out.  Even though I knew I was following my true voice by moving on, another voice was loudly telling me that I failed. The position once felt like a calling and now I’m just walking away?  Was I really called to it?  Maybe I wasn’t.  Maybe I don’t even know what it means to be called to something.  Ugh.  It was rough stuff.

With some time and distance, though, I have come to realize that I was called to it for so many reasons, just not the ones I thought I knew.  SO MANY REASONS!  They just keep coming!  All these relationships that have led to and are leading to the beautiful unfolding of my life and being.   All these new skills and all this knowledge that I use each and every day.  My heart fills with wonder and gratitude over and over again as I think about it.

That inner and outer turmoil has just fallen away.  It was caused by my attachment to what I was certain I knew.  What I “figured out” my plan was. It was caused by my needing to feel safe and trying so hard to make true what I thought I wanted to be true. I was limited by the belief that I should know exactly why I am being called in a direction and, if I don’t know, I shouldn’t trust it and, if it doesn’t work out, it was a mistake.

As I form a new expanding belief, I am reminded of the Joseph Campbell quote: “You must give up the life you planned in order to live the life that is waiting for you.”  I think giving up our plans has to be a daily practice – sometimes hourly.  And as I continue to cultivate this new practice, I am establishing the belief that a calling is a continuous invitation into the magical mystery and a surrendering to a greater plan than my little mind could ever conceive.